I have a problem. I like to think of myself as this really open and friendly person. Totally non-judgmental and ready to accept anyone just as they are. The problem is… it’s bullshit.
“Ugh, what an unrefined laugh.”
The thought came to me unbidden one evening as I walked past a neighbor’s campfire. Immediately, other thoughts about the woman that had laughed came pouring in. Thoughts about her intelligence or lack of social refinement or socioeconomic status all came flashing through my mind in an instant. And why? Because her laugh sounded loud and grating to me that evening.
Every time I encounter someone new there’s this weird unconscious process that happens. I’m comparing them to other people I’ve known. Listening to their speech, analyzing their behavior, categorizing them. I’m not even usually aware of it. Yet, the results of my little social interview inform how I feel about that person. Where I rate them on the class scale. How much I like them or trust them.
My interview tells me if they are part of my clan… or not.
This problem of clannish behavior in humans runs deep. From what I’ve read it seems to be buried in the very roots of human psychology. A remnant of a time when human beings were so dependent on their tribe or clan that loyalty to it, and hostility to anyone “other” could literally mean life or death. If you didn’t raid the other tribe first to steal their food and take their daughters, they’d do it to you. If you trusted a stranger and brought them to your camp, you could bring down disaster on your whole tribe.
But life isn’t like that now. Right?
Well, it shouldn’t be. But our ancient brains don’t know that. And so I analyze, and I judge, and I pigeonhole and I decide if someone is part of my clan or if I should distance myself. Or worse, I decide that this person might just be so much NOT in my clan that they are worthy of ridicule. Probably behind their back… to a person who is part of my clan. And the justification for this? There isn’t any. It’s all based on my feelings and snap judgments.
Thus, the clannishness continues. And the conflict and division continue.
So, what do I do about it? Being that so many of these judgments are happening without bothering to stop and consult my neocortex, how can I change my behavior?
I think the first step for me has been to become aware of the judgments. Just knowing my propensity to pre-judge and categorize other people (hick, nerd, low-class, arrogant, goodie-two-shoes, etc) has helped me start to separate reality from my unfounded judgments. Is someone coming across loud and unrefined? Does that make them uneducated, stupid, or aggressive? Not necessarily. Does someone speak using consistently poor grammar? Does that make them dumb or dangerous? Nope.
But it does make them different from me.
And that brings me to the next step. I have to actively seek out people that make me feel uncomfortable. Otherwise, I get locked into my comfort zone and tend to get very clannish about socializing within it. I tend to make broad, unconscious generalizations about people that don’t fit into my group. So by spending time intentionally with people that I wouldn’t ordinarily gravitate toward, I can shatter those generalized myths in my head.
Once I’ve started spending time with people outside my clan, the familiarity that comes with this sort of relationship changes my perspective. That guy that seemed so grating and loud before is just boisterous and energetic. That woman who spoke in such an unrefined way and came across like an uneducated hick just has a quaint midwestern accent that I now enjoy.
The final step for me comes in internalizing these changes in perspective. If I’ve decided that a person, though different from me, should actually be a part of my clan, I can choose to invite them in, and my clan gets expanded. My mind gets expanded.
Each time I actively choose to befriend someone outside my normal clan I create a personal connection to something different than myself. I increase my own tolerance and my own understanding of my fellow humans.
My clannishness diminishes, and in whatever small way, human unity increases.