So. Sometimes you have to laugh at yourself. Or else you’ll weep. Here’s the story:
I’ve been looking into various means of online employment. Some of the folks at the west coast Fulltime Families rally have unique online jobs, and so I was inspired to check out new ways of making extra cash.
One of the more lucrative opportunities that I see popping up is teaching Chinese kids English online via a Chinese company. So I thought, what the hell, let’s apply for this thing and see what happens.
Now, I’ve never taught formally before. I’ve only ever homeschooled my kids. In English. I do have a Bachelor’s degree in English, but I was pretty sure they were just going to laugh and throw my resume in the trash.
They didn’t. But they SHOULD have.
Let’s review. I’ve never taught in a classroom. I’ve never taught very young children in a group. And THESE children? Yeah, they don’t speak English. At all. Somehow I missed this. But it’s ok. I’m thinking I’m just going to have to read some lessons and answer some questions… BUT THEY DON’T SPEAK ENGLISH! Like I said. Missed that.
Ok. Back to the story. Somehow my job application makes it past the screening process and they schedule me an interview. They send me demo materials, which I review, and they seem simple enough. Read the slides, kids read the slides, mission accomplished.
Oh yeah, and do appropriate TPR (Total Physical Response) gestures while you’re doing the slides. Now, I don’t know what TPR is, but it can’t be that complicated right? Just make some hand motions while you teach the slides.
Can you tell I’m having to talk myself into this at this point? I’m like, “sure, I can teach. I’m a smart guy. I like kids. This will be fine.”
Spoiler: It wasn’t.
So I show up to the interview.
Wait. I need to explain something first. I’m currently at a time-share while our RV gets repaired. Internet here is decent but not quite fast enough for the video conferencing, so I needed to go use the business center for faster speed. I tried, but the business center was closing before my interview was to begin at 10pm. However, the Verizon signal was amazing up on the hill, so my brilliant idea is to convert the back of my van into a mini office just for the interview.
I setup a “desk” made of boxes and a little stool for a chair. I drape a white sheet over the windows behind me and bring out a lamp from my room to light my face (I’m plugging it into my little car jump starter box for power). I got it all working and ready to roll and just as I’m testing my video connection, my lamp dies. Well, to be more accurate my battery jump box dies. -_-
So I end up bouncing my cell phone flashlight off part of the sheet to give my face an only slightly creepy “Blair Witch Project” look. But surely that won’t bother anyone. At any rate, you can see me, and it’s only 15 minutes till the interview so that will have to do. So now I go to test the internet speed (which I had already confirmed) just to be certain. Whoops… it’s not fast enough. What?? Well, apparently just moving from the front to the back of the van was enough to drop my speed in half. So I had to take down my sheet (it was blocking the rear door) and re-park the van so the back end was where I had just been in the front when I had a great signal. Problem solved. Just in time!
So, moment of truth… I’m connected! Yes!! Wait. No one else is here. So I sit there for a while. Staring at the video feed of myself staring at myself. I click on the “support” button and send a message, “The interviewer is absent.” Not really expecting it to do anything. I then send an email to tech support saying that I was scheduled for an interview but no one was there. I decide to give it 5 more minutes (it’s already been 20) and then quit and go home. Man I wish I’d just quit then.
Aha! Something was happening. A face appears. Half a face. Something is wrong with the face. It has… something… IN it’s nose? Her nose. Definitely a her. But yes, there are what appear to be two long finger-sized cotton rolls hanging from her nostrils. No. I am NOT making this up. I’ve never seen cotton balls in this shape. Now she’s… Oh crikey! She’s pulling them out! ON CAMERA.
I will spare you the part where I tell what came stringing along behind the cotton when they were removed. Also on camera. At this point the woman seems to realize there is another human being present and trying to talk to her. So she types into the chat, “give me five minutes please.” And I’m thinking, “hey lady take all the time you need… maybe in another room…!”
So I got a different interviewer. No explanation, just a new person pops up. She asks about my experience (none), she asks about my education (not relevant), she asks about my work experience (none relevant to this). And that was that, now it’s demo time. “Go ahead,” she says, “I”m six years old, I don’t speak English and you are going to teach me from the slides.”
So I tried. I REALLY tried. But I didn’t know there were teacher notes off to the side that I was supposed to have reviewed beforehand. I also discovered that my assumption that TPR gestures were going to come naturally was DEAD wrong. Also, I realized that, and you all probably saw this coming, it’s HARD to teach people anything when they don’t know your language!
And now (mercifully), the interview is over. She is going to give me some feedback. She seemed a bit anxious to end it. Maybe I was so impressive she didn’t need to see any more? Nope. That wasn’t it.
She told me, “So, I’m sorry you were not better. I think maybe you need to practice. Maybe you can schedule another interview in the future. Not soon.” This was all in broken English, so it’s possible she didn’t mean to be quite that harsh. But then again, it’s totally possible she thought she was being WAY too kind. She probably was.